Spouts of Depression

In the past I have dealt with the symptoms of depression, and have come from rock bottom to whom I have become today. However with this medication the Dr. has me on a feel like I am constantly battling the depression, fighting to be Allie. I am trying hard to avoid situations that cause me to have an emotional drop, but what was I to do when singing "The Family is of God" with my primary children made me want to cry uncontrollably. Then there are the times when the mere mention of pregnancy made me want to be invisible, to avoid the inevitable question from those who did not know better. To be honest, it grew more difficult each day to deal with life and not having Nate here did not help. Hoping that I would not bottom out, frankly because I do not have the time to be there, I remembered the words of a friend.
Sister Merrick had told me many months ago (when I was in a similar situation) that Brother Merrick gives wonderful blessings. That thought has been in my head ever since, and hope grateful I was this week to receive a blessing from Brother Merrick, that picked my spirit up and reminded me of why I am doing this. He told me that I would be blessed to bear children and be a mother. For once the blessing did not use the word patience, but that is probably because I have accepting that things will happen on Heavenly Father's time, not mine. This was all I needed to help me press forward, and to remind me that there is nothing to worry about. The blessing even told me that I need to relax, and I know that. The bottom line is I know how blessed I am to have the blessings of the church in my life, and to know Heavenly Father has a plan for me.

I want to be a mother...

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can awake in the middle of the night to hear them cry because that means they are here with me.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle and get kicked out of my own bed.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes and put their hair is pigtails.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders and fly them around the yard.
So I can take them to the grocery store and end up with more than was on my grocery list.
So I can see them smile.
So I can turn their frowns around.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and everywhere in between.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So my house can be filled with their toys.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play soccer with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can teach them how to cook.
So I can clean up all their messes.
So I can read them every book at the library and share my love of reading.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can spend my night time hours doing bedtime routines.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So I can load them all in the van and enjoy every minute of it.
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can give them everything I have to help them to become the best person they can be.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...

And all this I will do with joy because I will know that they are my little blessings. I can not promise I will not complain, but I can promise that at the end of the day I will count my blessings that Heavenly Father brought them into my life. Because I will know and remember life without them. I look forward each day to being a mother, and will work each day to better prepare myself for motherhood, because it is truly the highest calling in life.

Dr. Appointment Today

Alright, so I went to the Doctor's office today for an ultrasound to check my follicle (egg) size. I was fortunate to have Nate with me, which was wonderful to have him there for support. So the verdict: the egg was only .9mm in size and the egg needs to be at least 1.8 in order to be baby-making ready. In essence he was not able to give me the trigger shot because the egg was not big enough but I will go back on Monday for another ultrasound to see if the eggie, or as I like to call it "baby possibility," has grown at all. However Nate will be leaving on Sunday so even if it is big enough on Monday I may decide not to have the trigger shot because of the lack of husband.
In short, I am optimistic and looking forward to next cycle where the Dr. will increase my meds to see if I can get some bigger eggies (just not too many I don't want to be Octo-Mom)
Thank for everyone's love and support!
Allie

Anxious

Right now I am attempting to wait patiently for Wednesday to come, attempting being the operative word. I have been fortunate enough that time has really flown over the past year for TTC. It is just the occasional two week wait for the Doctors appointment that drives me nuts! But never before has even the two week wait been as frustrating as this. What am I waiting for? Well if I haven't tired your ears off telling you I will give the short version of it. I am getting an U/S to check to see if I have produced any follicles (eggs) worthy of baby making. I guess that it is what is driving me nuts, it is possible that there will be nothing there and that this month there will not even be a two week wait (that is the wait after ovulation before taking a preg. test) I know that I am over thinking everything, as I always do.
Other than that today was an alright day. We were all so tired here that we were late getting to church... it was not my first choice but we got there. I was very pleased today to read the scriptures as a family (Steph, Nate, Basil and I, Sage was asleep in out bed.) We are on track to finish the entire Book of Mormon by the end of the year.
Well that's all for tonight!
Allie

What I shouldn't think about

Right now I am having such a hard time not thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong if I got pregnant. I mean with all the work we are putting into trying to get pregnant, I feel like the moment I find out I am pregnant I should hit the bed and never leave it. There are so many complications!!!!!! I know I shouldn't think about it but sometimes I can't help it.
At this point I am hoping to find some hope in being able to get pregnant. A week from today they are going to check my follicle size to see if I have any baby possibilities. I just do not know what I would do otherwise... sometimes I wonder what other people looking in think...
That's all,
Allie

About Time

I guess it is about time to make this post. I was holding out hoping that by some miracle that there may be some good news this month. So as you can guess, I got a big negative. Now we are onto a different medication (Femera) and the Dr. is going to check the follicles and egg production half way through the cycle. What does this mean, I really don't know. To me it means that I will now pray for a March baby instead of a Feburary one. I am learning to be patient and know/hope that my effort will pay off.
Right now I feel like the Dr. and many others have given up on me, what truth there is in that statement I do not know. I just know that most people don't understand what I am going through, or really what to say to me.
That's really all I can say at this point...
Allie

MISSING: SANITY

If you are reading this letter it means that I have officially lost Sanity. This is not a hoax, or even a lame Geiko commercial, this is the real thing. Sanity was last seen on May 16th, 2009 at the Olmstead residence. It is believed that Sanity has left in response to what may have appeared as an altercation. This was in fact not an altercation, but merely a disagreement. That being said the disagreement took place between I, Allie, and Basil, my highly vocal puppy. The event took place at follows:
• Basil was placed in his well furnished crate @ approximately 9:30pm at which time he began sounding an alarm that can only be characterized as fire-alarm.
• This alarming noise the continued for the next 45 minutes before finding peace.
• Peace was short lived as Basil decided, that the house was all too peaceful.
• 10:30pm the alarm begins to sound yet again.
• At this time I entered Basil’s room and took Basil outside.
• Basil did not need to urinate, or otherwise relieve himself, in fact the only thing Basil was interested in was finding his way to my lap…
• After returning inside I immediately returned Basil to his bed and shut the door.
• 10:35 the alarm resumes, this time displaying a greater variety in his vocal range.
• 11:30… Shhh! The noise/siren/alarm has stopped…\
• 11:37, the noise/siren/alarm has returned
Now, one can see it is difficult to pin point just where Sanity left as my brain and body were otherwise engaged in caring for Basil. However, the fact remains the without Sanity I am unsure of how to get through the rest of the night. So it is with this sincere request that I ask who ever finds Sanity, or knows where to find Sanity contact me immediately.
Out of my mind,
Allie