A post a long time in the making

I know many people have wanted an update to my blog and quite frankly the thoughts that have been running through my head felt very personal and I didn't share them because I feared others would pass judgement.

As everyone should know Nate and I were blessed to welcome Emeralynn into the world this past June. She is truly a dream come true and more than I could have ever imagined we love her more and more every moment. This is the part where maybe few will understand and maybe this isn't the place to post this but that is irrelevant at this point because I am posting this.

At 9 weeks gestation Nate and I found out that twin b had returned to heaven and "his" heart was no longer beating. I had several ultrasounds over the next 30 weeks and every time I would watch as the measured twin b "he" always measured the same and despite Dr prediction never vanished. So I don't know if you can even fathom how I felt on June 28th when I gave birth.

I had a fairly easy labor and delivery when you stack it up against the previous 35 weeks of pregnancy that I spent completely sick, frequently visiting the hospital. However when I gave birth not only was there a rush of joy but there was also a hint of sorrow. I had not only gave birth to Emeralynn but my body had finally released her twin and "he" was no longer with me. I carried both babies for 39 weeks and love them both so much and although I wish I had both in my arms right now I find comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. For some reason I needed to experience this, and there is peace in that fact.

I think about the baby frequently and questions fill my mind. I guess I feel like everyone expects it to not be a big deal because I have a wonderfully healthy baby and do not get me wrong I am grateful for that... but is it wrong that this mother still mourns for the loss of a baby?

These are my thoughts... more to come