Spouts of Depression

In the past I have dealt with the symptoms of depression, and have come from rock bottom to whom I have become today. However with this medication the Dr. has me on a feel like I am constantly battling the depression, fighting to be Allie. I am trying hard to avoid situations that cause me to have an emotional drop, but what was I to do when singing "The Family is of God" with my primary children made me want to cry uncontrollably. Then there are the times when the mere mention of pregnancy made me want to be invisible, to avoid the inevitable question from those who did not know better. To be honest, it grew more difficult each day to deal with life and not having Nate here did not help. Hoping that I would not bottom out, frankly because I do not have the time to be there, I remembered the words of a friend.
Sister Merrick had told me many months ago (when I was in a similar situation) that Brother Merrick gives wonderful blessings. That thought has been in my head ever since, and hope grateful I was this week to receive a blessing from Brother Merrick, that picked my spirit up and reminded me of why I am doing this. He told me that I would be blessed to bear children and be a mother. For once the blessing did not use the word patience, but that is probably because I have accepting that things will happen on Heavenly Father's time, not mine. This was all I needed to help me press forward, and to remind me that there is nothing to worry about. The blessing even told me that I need to relax, and I know that. The bottom line is I know how blessed I am to have the blessings of the church in my life, and to know Heavenly Father has a plan for me.

I want to be a mother...

So I can rock-a-bye my babies.
So I can awake in the middle of the night to hear them cry because that means they are here with me.
So I can sing them lullabies and teach them finger-plays.
So I can have my kids sleep in the middle and get kicked out of my own bed.
So I can dress up my daughters in cute little Easter clothes and put their hair is pigtails.
So my husband can carry our own kids on his shoulders and fly them around the yard.
So I can take them to the grocery store and end up with more than was on my grocery list.
So I can see them smile.
So I can turn their frowns around.
So I can breast feed.
So I can teach my kids about Jesus.
So I can have family home evening with them, even if they don't pay attention.
So when they are hurt, I can kiss their owies better.
So I can take my kids to the park, the zoo, the fair, and everywhere in between.
So I can listen to my own children playing in the next room.
So my house can be filled with their toys.
So I can teach them how to respect others.
So I can share with them all of the greatest holiday traditions.
So I can play dress up with them.
So I can play soccer with them.
So my husband can give our kids wheel-barrow rides.
So I can have the title: Stay-At-Home Mom.
So I can love them to pieces!
So I can get dandelion bouquets.
So I can wear a baby-sling.
So I can teach them how to cook.
So I can clean up all their messes.
So I can read them every book at the library and share my love of reading.
So I can get a sacrament meeting flower on Mother's Day...and not feel pitied.
So Disney movies will reign the DVD player.
So I can make an awesome birthday cake for their birthday.
So they can play with their cousins, and realize the importance of family relationships.
So I can spend my night time hours doing bedtime routines.
So I can say things like, "Because I said so." and "Clean behind your ears."
So I can load them all in the van and enjoy every minute of it.
So there will be fruit snacks, graham crackers, and juice cups all over my van.
So I can have my front porch covered in sidewalk chalk.
So we can lie in the grass in the summer air and look for cloud shapes.
So I can be the "guest of honor" at a baby shower.
So I can give them everything I have to help them to become the best person they can be.
So I can someday send my kids to kindergarten...then off to college.
So I can become a Mother-in-law.
So I can become a grandmother.
So I can become a great-grandmother.
So I can make cookies and have my kids decorate them.
etc, etc, etc...

And all this I will do with joy because I will know that they are my little blessings. I can not promise I will not complain, but I can promise that at the end of the day I will count my blessings that Heavenly Father brought them into my life. Because I will know and remember life without them. I look forward each day to being a mother, and will work each day to better prepare myself for motherhood, because it is truly the highest calling in life.

Dr. Appointment Today

Alright, so I went to the Doctor's office today for an ultrasound to check my follicle (egg) size. I was fortunate to have Nate with me, which was wonderful to have him there for support. So the verdict: the egg was only .9mm in size and the egg needs to be at least 1.8 in order to be baby-making ready. In essence he was not able to give me the trigger shot because the egg was not big enough but I will go back on Monday for another ultrasound to see if the eggie, or as I like to call it "baby possibility," has grown at all. However Nate will be leaving on Sunday so even if it is big enough on Monday I may decide not to have the trigger shot because of the lack of husband.
In short, I am optimistic and looking forward to next cycle where the Dr. will increase my meds to see if I can get some bigger eggies (just not too many I don't want to be Octo-Mom)
Thank for everyone's love and support!
Allie