...The News

I once had this strong opinion that I should wait to tell everyone I was pregnant till I was at least 12 weeks... Well I have officially thrown that out the window! Call it what you will but we all know I have trouble keeping secrets and the truth is how could I with news like this. I AM PREGNANT!!! Nate and I know that this is truly a blessing from our Heavenly Father and an answer to so many prayers offered through out the country. I have been learning about more people everyday that I have kept our family in their prayers, and can I just say I feel blessed!

Right now I am 4 weeks pregnant and 16 days past ovulation with an HCG of 638! The due date is July 3, 2010 according to my math. We will have another HCG Wed. and then three ultrasounds week 6, 7, and 8 before I will go back to my OBGYN. We are grateful for the life we have be entrusted with and pray for a safe and uneventful pregnancy.

Thank you to everyone that kept us in your prayers, words will never truly express my gratitude.

Allie

Day 12

I am 12 days into my cycle and I went in today for my 5th appointment since the start of this cycle. After waiting for what seemed like forever I was in the ultrasound room preparing for what I thought could only be good news. The Doctor came in to check my follicle growth. Now 5 days ago the same Dr. had checked my follicles and they were at 8mm and 6mm. So, as he measured them out I asked with excitement how big they were now. To my dismay they had not grown at all... was this even possible. This seemed to me like my worst nightmare. The Dr. obviously not seeing the panic in my eyes told me that we would double the dose in my medication. My thoughts could not help but taunt me for the rest of the day. Was it possible that they would never get any bigger? The Dr. didn't offer a worst case scenario and I honestly didn't know if I was ready to hear it.
I wrote this during my 1.5 hour wait in the waiting room.

#1

If only I knew,
When the day would come
That I would hold you near

If only I knew
The hours I'd wait
Just to have you here

If only I knew
I could last that long
Life could go on without fear

I hope you know
We'll never give up
Trying to bring you here

I hope you know
We are ready when you are
I promise, you need not fear

I hope you know
The love we have for you
In our hearts you're always near

Injections...

Tonight starts the first night of the rest of my life... I will be taking injections every night at the same time. Then next week I will have a doctors appointment on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. During each appointment they will steal my blood and take pictures of my ovaries... adjusting my medication as needed to produce something more than I am now... more to come!

The New Doctor

Alright, so I know that many of you are interested in how this whole thing went... Well the appointment was at 8am out in Syracuse, which meant I had to get Nate up and in the car by 6:45am. Let's just say I was very grateful to have him their with me and he didn't even complain. Now this is how it went...

The Dr. came in and went over all the diagnostic procedures that I have had in the past and then told me what procedures they want me to have:
1. Laparoscopy (which is where they put me under general anasesia and make a small cut into my abdomen to check the outside of my organs)
2. Hysterosalpingogram(HSG)(they inject x-ray dye into my uterus and watch it travel through my tubes to make sure they are not blocked)

Then the Dr. gave me that choices I have for treatment:
1. Take clomid, monitor it with ultrasounds and give me a trigger shot to trigger the egg to release.
2. Take injectable hormones to produce folicles (eggs,) monitor them ultrasounds, give me a trigger shot to trigger the egg to release and do IUI (intra uterine insemination).
3. IVF

Then as part of my visit the Dr. did a vaginal ultrasound and normal blood work. The nurse went over the information on the procedures and my new prenatals. They also had the person in charge of the insurance come in and go over the cost of all this fertility information.

Now, I am sure those who are still reading are wondering what option we chose. First of all we decided that we would not do the clomid again, as we have already done 5 cycles and want to be more aggressive. We also do not want to do IVF, and will explain why in a minute. We choose to do the injectables without the IUI.

The reason why is the fact that we would like to keep conception as natural as possible, we feel that is one thing we can have. Personally we do not have a problem with IVF or IUI but with the cost involved feel that if it came to that we would opt for adoption. Adoption the costs are involved when you actually adopt a child. Where as IVF there is cost regardless of whether a child is the result of the procedure.

I am sorry that this post is so long, and not nearly as funny as my normal posts. I am open to any questions you may have and am grateful for everyone's support.

My Early Work

Here is some old poems that I wrote that I am particularly proud of and wanted to share with you.

SINGLE ROSE (12/2003)

A single rose, within a single vase,

This be where I have come to meet my fate.

The water runs high, but tis a small base.

Loneliness has brought me to this lone state.

As each petal falls to the desolate floor,

Hope ever fleeting, my faith must endure.

Every fallen petal my fate deplore,

If time can save me, this I can't ensure.

Many walk pass but they turn a blind eye,

As if I, not there, as a child I hide.

Is it that hard to see me, won't they try?

They walked by so in the vase I reside.

If you do walk by me, promise me this,

You will pause to tell me I do exist.

MY MASK (2004)

I hide behind a mask

A mask you may not see

But behind this mask

There I hide the real me

The me you may not like

The me that has been shunned

The part that was insulted

The part that was no fun

Every day I try to chip

Away bits of this mask

But every time you hurt me

I’m forced to put is back

Your insults sting my soul.

Your laughter slowly burns.

But you keep on using me.

I guess I'll never learn.

That I cannot give my heart

To everyone that cares

Because when they are through

It is my heart that will tear

So you may think you’re ready

To take me for who’s inside

But if you were to hurt me

I would be forced to re-hide

My heart can’t take that burden

My soul can’t take that pain

So behind this mask

The real me shall remain.

Untitled

There is really no appropriate title to give this blog, as I hoped I would not be writing it. Nate and I went to the Doctor's office today so that I could have another u/s to check the follicle size. I knew the moment Dr. Cooley walked into the office that I was not going to like what he had to tell me. I know you are all hoping that this story take a twist for the better, and that I have some good news... but I do not think I will be able to deliver on that hope. We had no prominent follicles in which the Doctor could stimulate. As the Doctor spoke tears flooded my eyes, he could not help me and that brought pain to Nate, Dr. Cooley, and I. My body had not responded to the strongest medicine he could give me, I now need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. To many this may seem like a good fix, or a step forward, but not to me. To put it frankly the emotional roller coaster that I face is best experienced with a Doctor that I trust, and I was glad when that Doctor was Dr. Cooley. So, now I am facing the task of forming a new bond and trust with the man that will hopefully hold the answers to my problems and to be honest I am scared. I see Dr. Kiltz on 9/9/09 at 8am in the morning.
Over the next month, I do not think life will get any easier. I am going to try and relax, maybe even lose a few pounds if possible. I make no promises though, only that I will continue to do my best and keep my chin up as much as possible. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me, I just wish knowing that made it easier.