A post a long time in the making

I know many people have wanted an update to my blog and quite frankly the thoughts that have been running through my head felt very personal and I didn't share them because I feared others would pass judgement.

As everyone should know Nate and I were blessed to welcome Emeralynn into the world this past June. She is truly a dream come true and more than I could have ever imagined we love her more and more every moment. This is the part where maybe few will understand and maybe this isn't the place to post this but that is irrelevant at this point because I am posting this.

At 9 weeks gestation Nate and I found out that twin b had returned to heaven and "his" heart was no longer beating. I had several ultrasounds over the next 30 weeks and every time I would watch as the measured twin b "he" always measured the same and despite Dr prediction never vanished. So I don't know if you can even fathom how I felt on June 28th when I gave birth.

I had a fairly easy labor and delivery when you stack it up against the previous 35 weeks of pregnancy that I spent completely sick, frequently visiting the hospital. However when I gave birth not only was there a rush of joy but there was also a hint of sorrow. I had not only gave birth to Emeralynn but my body had finally released her twin and "he" was no longer with me. I carried both babies for 39 weeks and love them both so much and although I wish I had both in my arms right now I find comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. For some reason I needed to experience this, and there is peace in that fact.

I think about the baby frequently and questions fill my mind. I guess I feel like everyone expects it to not be a big deal because I have a wonderfully healthy baby and do not get me wrong I am grateful for that... but is it wrong that this mother still mourns for the loss of a baby?

These are my thoughts... more to come

The time has come...

About 12 hours from now I will be checking into the hospital for my scheduled induction. Emeralynn will make her grand appearance sometime in the near future and we are ready. After about 3 years of trying to conceive and 35 weeks (can't count the weeks I didn't know that I was pregnant) of severe morning sickness, migraines, and other mild unpleasantness I already know that all of it was worth it just to get to the point. I hope I never forget how blessed I am to have this experience, and to become a Mother. This time last year (June 28, 2009) I wrote "What am I waiting for? Well if I haven't tired your ears off telling you I will give the short version of it. I am getting an U/S to check to see if I have produced any follicles (eggs) worthy of baby making." I remember just thinking to myself if I could just know when or if I would get pregnant I would be happy. The truth of the matter is though I found happiness by having faith in Heavenly Father's timing.
I am applying that same thought process today as I prepare for the hospital. So many things are out of my hands and out of my control and I have learned that it is honestly better that way. I plan to take labor/delivery/motherhood one step at a time knowing that I am blessed to not have to walk through this alone. I have not only Heavenly Father on my side but also Nate, friends, and family. I do not know what to expect, except for the fact that I know I can handle whatever life has to offer me.

Thank you for all your constant prayers, support, and kind thoughts!

Allie

Labor Prediction!

Your labor prediction quiz results are below.....

Get your bags packed early just in case you need them. Make sure your partner has a phone available when he's away because this baby just might come early. We predict your baby will come 2-3 weeks early. Your baby will most likely be born in the morning. Justmommies predicts that your baby will weigh approximately 7.3 pounds and that your labor will be about 12 hours long.

This is for entertainment purposes only.

http://www.justmommies.com/quizzes/labor-results.php

Life is changing

We are about six weeks from Emeralynn's due date and we could not be more excited! This pregnancy has been nothing short of a roller coaster but I would do it again because I am so in love with this little girl. I have been very fortunate to have the support of my husband, family, and friends who have seen me through not only this pregnancy but also the battle with infertility that came before it. I know that there are many who have found it difficult to understand why I complain at times when I wanted this so badly, I understand their point of view but hope they realize I am grateful for this blessing. My occasional complaining does not diminish my gratitude.

I am hoping the next 6 weeks will pass quickly and that my energy will be sufficient to get everything I need done! I am looking forward to getting together with friends and family for my babyshower in June and feel blessed that so many wish to share this experience with us. My Mom will be flying in on Emeralynn's due date so we will see who makes it here first Emeralynn or "Grandma." Also, my Dad will be coming out towards the end of my Mom's visit and we feel blessed that they will both be here. What else is going on???

We are getting more details as the days progress about Nate's deployment and it seems that he will be deploying after Emeralynn is born, so he will get to meet his little girl before he goes!! He will also be able to bless Emeralynn before he leaves and my parents will be here for that as well.

In other news Basil is adjusting well to being the only dog, although he did tear a hole in the sofa today so we still have some puppy bumps left!

Now for some pictures to add to this "chopped" up story!

This is from 2 weeks ago... my belly is bigger now, but I have not been in the mood for more pictures!
Here is a picture of the nursery I took the picture in panoramic hence the "arch"
Basil loves to do two things go for walks and take rides in the truck or car!!! He is spoiled :)

24 Weeks

I have some theories, this past week I have been experiencing insomnia. Yes, I had this a few weeks ago and I thought that the "phase" had passed but at last it has not. This brings me to my first theory:

• My insomnia is directly connected to Emeralynn's growth spurt!

My reasoning is this, all yesterday I had this unusual feeling in my belly, kind of like a stretching feeling, this morning I woke up and BAM there are at least 3-5 more inches on my belly! As if that was not proof enough today I have been eating like crazy!!! I mean I ate chicken noodle soup, spaghettios, at least 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and random snacks here and there all before 4pm! Now that may not sounds like a lot but considering my eating habits this entire pregnancy that is 3x as much!

Conclusion: My days of sleep are over and my insomnia, although irritating, is a good thing!

More theories to come in the future!

Lil' Kicker's name will be...

Nate and I are just too excited to keep it in our little girls name will be...

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Emeralynn Rae Olmstead
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This is a name that both Nate and I have loved for the past 3 years. Where did it come from? Well, I made it up. Most everyone knows that I love the color green and therefore love Emerald as well. Somehow the name grew from there I do not know how but it did and I couldn't be happier with her name. When we found out that we were expecting a girl I could not think of any other names that would fit her. We decided that this must be her name, and to be honest I believe it fits her unique personality.

What a pain in my...

On Friday February 5th I started having severe pains on my right side. I waited for a couple hours and the pain subsided and I figured it was no big deal. Wrong, the pain quickly showed up sharply across my belly button and spanning from one side to the other. Once again I wanted to assume that the pain was normal growing pains but the severity triggered a call to my Doctor. After explaining the days run of events, the nurse placed me on hold. I am assuming to ask my Doctor, when she returned she told me it was very important that I drive to the hospital to be checked out in the ER. I was a little concerned but quickly put on a tough face and told Nate that I was going to drive myself to the ER. In addition, because Nate was going to leave for work I called Jenn to let her know where I was going.
When I arrived at the ER I could tell that it was going to be a long night. After about 25 minutes I was seen by the nurse triage and sent back to the waiting room. Time passed slowly and about an hour later I was able to be placed in one of the ER rooms. The nurse came in to find lil' kickers heartbeat and of course, being our child, lil' kicker was hiding. When she finally did find what she defined as the heartbeat it was very quite and I didn't hear it long enough to count the heart rate. Part of the reason it is so hard to find the baby's heartbeat is the fact that the placenta is right on the front wall.
By the time the ER Doctor finally came in I had been there for almost 3 hours. He asked me to define the pain and its current severity. Then said since my pain was not that bad I could just go home, or if I really wanted he could run the usual tests. I told him that I didn't want to drive 30 minutes home to have the pain return and have to drive back. I wanted to know if there was a reason for this pain! He reluctantly agreed, I had blood drawn, and I waited for my scan. They wheeled me though hospital to the u/s room. The tech was very nice and pointed out all the different parts of the baby as she measured them. The baby measured a week ahead, putting my due date based on the measurements at June 27th. The baby weighed 10 ounces! She soon discovered the source of my pain. Somehow my right ovary has become swollen, not to point fingers but someone fondly known as lil' kicker has feet in that very same location!
With 90% certainty we can now say that lil' kicker is...
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Comments by ZingerBug.com

Nate believes that the baby was getting mad that he was calling it a HE!! So she took revenge on me by kicking my ovary until it was extremely swollen. Then she was a lot calmer during the ultrasound and we even were able to peak between the legs. It was kinda like a cruel joke, but the is just like her mother... it is scary how much me I already see in this little girl. There is always a chance that something was hidden but we are fairly confident that lil' kicker is a girl. I could not be happier!! What a blessing :)

Ultrasound Today

Today was the big ultrasound, the one we had been waiting for. Well here is lil' kicker's profile...

Here is lil' kicker sucking a thumb...


So you may be wondering if we are having a boy or girl, so are we! What we do know is the baby is perfectly healthy, all organs (minus the ones of sexual nature)are accounted for! We will try to take another peak in about 12 weeks, but may end up waiting till the baby is born to find out! We feel really blessed :D

16 Weeks

Well the past 16 weeks have been a new experience and do not know how else to put it. I can say that people and even the books leave a lot of unpleasant details out, and we will leave it at that. So far this pregnancy has turned into a rather good diet plan, so far I have lost around 15 pounds! I am hoping to start gaining some of that back at some point, but for now I am not complaining. We have had a few minor ER visits these first 16 weeks, and Nate has asked me to cut that out. I think he is tired of all the trips to the hospital, and I agree. The amusing thing is I was never hospitalized or taken to the ER until I was pregnant, so this pregnancy has brought a lot of first.

On to the good news, my energy levels have started picking up. Although, the nausea and morning sickness are still around, they to not physically drain me as much as they used to. My clothes still don't fit as my pre-pregnancy clothes are too small and my maternity clothes are still too big.

The date for our anatomy scan has been moved to Feb. 3rd, exactly 5 months before our due date. We are both excited to find out, but my Mom is sure that it is a boy. I of course flip flop back in forth. I have started preparing as much as I can for baby and for now that means compiling the list of names. We have decided to make a list of our favorite names and bring it to the hospital and name the baby after we meat him/her... so the name will be our little surprise.

In other news, I started school again and am now going part time at Penn State. So far I am enjoying my classes, but that story may change in a few weeks. Nate starts school again on Thursday and although he is not thrilled he is dedicated to getting his education. We, but mostly Nate, has started reorganizing the house to be ready for lil' kickers arrival. Nate is anxious to get the baby's room set up and I can not say that I blame him. We have picked out the crib that we would like, finances allowing, and every time we are at Babysrus we sit and stare at it for a while. Here is the link... http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3535422. Part of the appeal is the fact that the crib is lower to the ground so I would not need a step ladder to get into it.

Anyways lil' kicker and I are doing well. Although I do not feel constant kicks I do feel him/her having a dance party in my tummy from time to time.

I will try to update this more!

Allie

Countdown to gender!

We are so excited that the baby is still healthy, now the next milestone is finding out the gender :D Thank you all for your prayers, check my facebook for ultrasound pictures!

Countdown Clock by Zoodu.com

Dedication

"You'll always be my first!"



There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my angel. As I progress through this pregnancy I only fall more in love with the idea of being a mother, but the truth is I already am. I am a mother to my angel and I am a mother to the baby growing within me. I am grateful to know how blessed I am, Heavenly Father has given me constant reminders.

Counting our Blessings

Yesterday, after a visit to the ER, we found out that Baby B had stopped growing. I just sat there as the ER tech kept trying to find Baby B's heartbeat, she tried for over 30 minutes. I kept asking her if she could see the heartbeat hoping that the little blueberry was just being shy. She lied, for my benefit, and said that she could see it. As she began to measure the baby I knew, Baby A took up more space and was beginning to take a human shape. Baby B stopped growing at 7 weeks when it was only the size of a blueberry, it is now our angel baby. Baby A is right on track for growth and has a heartbeat of 185.

My question has always been how does someone deal with loss of the life inside them? Even more importantly how do you mourn the loss of one and celebrate the health of them other? Our way has been to find the good in the entire situation and I would like to share that.

1. Heavenly Father never gives us anything we can not handle, he has prepared us for this through our faith and the friends/family that we have.

2. Baby B has returned to Heaven, for a reason we are not aware of this baby was not ready to come to this earth but will continue to watch over us from Heaven.

3. Something was wrong with Baby B, either it's heart of nervous system was not strong enough to sustain life and Heavenly Father knew that.

4. Baby B will always be our baby.

5. Baby A is healthy and strong providing us with overwhelming hope of what the future holds.

6. Our marriage is only being strengthened through this experience and we are blessed to have each other.

7. The blessings of the Priesthood surround me providing me comfort I never thought was possible.

8. Our blessings are limitless

In short we are choosing to celebrate both our babies. They will both forever be apart of our lives for their own special reasons. Please continue to pray for Baby A and remember there is always more to thankful for in our lives, sometimes it is just harder to find.

With all my love for your continued support,
Allie

Baby A and Baby B

These are my babies, cute as they can possibly be @ only 5 weeks and 6 days. The nurse was able to see both babies, although the pictures do not show both we did see them. We honestly feel so incredibly blessed! In addition the love and support we have received from family and friends has been amazing, more than I ever anticipated. We will most likely be seeing a great deal of our babies over the next few weeks and I will continue to update with pictures. It is only 34 weeks until I am able to hold my babies, my gift from Heavenly Father! I am just filled with gratitude that he has given me such a wonderful blessing!

Allie

For Good

As this wonderful, yet scary time in my life begins I can not help thinking of all the people that I have been blessed to know. People that may have only come into my life for a "season" but have changed my life, and continue to change my life. Thank you to everyone who continues to help me and remind me just how blessed I am.
This song had always made me think of these people in my life...

FOR GOOD- WICKED
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

...The News

I once had this strong opinion that I should wait to tell everyone I was pregnant till I was at least 12 weeks... Well I have officially thrown that out the window! Call it what you will but we all know I have trouble keeping secrets and the truth is how could I with news like this. I AM PREGNANT!!! Nate and I know that this is truly a blessing from our Heavenly Father and an answer to so many prayers offered through out the country. I have been learning about more people everyday that I have kept our family in their prayers, and can I just say I feel blessed!

Right now I am 4 weeks pregnant and 16 days past ovulation with an HCG of 638! The due date is July 3, 2010 according to my math. We will have another HCG Wed. and then three ultrasounds week 6, 7, and 8 before I will go back to my OBGYN. We are grateful for the life we have be entrusted with and pray for a safe and uneventful pregnancy.

Thank you to everyone that kept us in your prayers, words will never truly express my gratitude.

Allie

Day 12

I am 12 days into my cycle and I went in today for my 5th appointment since the start of this cycle. After waiting for what seemed like forever I was in the ultrasound room preparing for what I thought could only be good news. The Doctor came in to check my follicle growth. Now 5 days ago the same Dr. had checked my follicles and they were at 8mm and 6mm. So, as he measured them out I asked with excitement how big they were now. To my dismay they had not grown at all... was this even possible. This seemed to me like my worst nightmare. The Dr. obviously not seeing the panic in my eyes told me that we would double the dose in my medication. My thoughts could not help but taunt me for the rest of the day. Was it possible that they would never get any bigger? The Dr. didn't offer a worst case scenario and I honestly didn't know if I was ready to hear it.
I wrote this during my 1.5 hour wait in the waiting room.

#1

If only I knew,
When the day would come
That I would hold you near

If only I knew
The hours I'd wait
Just to have you here

If only I knew
I could last that long
Life could go on without fear

I hope you know
We'll never give up
Trying to bring you here

I hope you know
We are ready when you are
I promise, you need not fear

I hope you know
The love we have for you
In our hearts you're always near

Injections...

Tonight starts the first night of the rest of my life... I will be taking injections every night at the same time. Then next week I will have a doctors appointment on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. During each appointment they will steal my blood and take pictures of my ovaries... adjusting my medication as needed to produce something more than I am now... more to come!

The New Doctor

Alright, so I know that many of you are interested in how this whole thing went... Well the appointment was at 8am out in Syracuse, which meant I had to get Nate up and in the car by 6:45am. Let's just say I was very grateful to have him their with me and he didn't even complain. Now this is how it went...

The Dr. came in and went over all the diagnostic procedures that I have had in the past and then told me what procedures they want me to have:
1. Laparoscopy (which is where they put me under general anasesia and make a small cut into my abdomen to check the outside of my organs)
2. Hysterosalpingogram(HSG)(they inject x-ray dye into my uterus and watch it travel through my tubes to make sure they are not blocked)

Then the Dr. gave me that choices I have for treatment:
1. Take clomid, monitor it with ultrasounds and give me a trigger shot to trigger the egg to release.
2. Take injectable hormones to produce folicles (eggs,) monitor them ultrasounds, give me a trigger shot to trigger the egg to release and do IUI (intra uterine insemination).
3. IVF

Then as part of my visit the Dr. did a vaginal ultrasound and normal blood work. The nurse went over the information on the procedures and my new prenatals. They also had the person in charge of the insurance come in and go over the cost of all this fertility information.

Now, I am sure those who are still reading are wondering what option we chose. First of all we decided that we would not do the clomid again, as we have already done 5 cycles and want to be more aggressive. We also do not want to do IVF, and will explain why in a minute. We choose to do the injectables without the IUI.

The reason why is the fact that we would like to keep conception as natural as possible, we feel that is one thing we can have. Personally we do not have a problem with IVF or IUI but with the cost involved feel that if it came to that we would opt for adoption. Adoption the costs are involved when you actually adopt a child. Where as IVF there is cost regardless of whether a child is the result of the procedure.

I am sorry that this post is so long, and not nearly as funny as my normal posts. I am open to any questions you may have and am grateful for everyone's support.

My Early Work

Here is some old poems that I wrote that I am particularly proud of and wanted to share with you.

SINGLE ROSE (12/2003)

A single rose, within a single vase,

This be where I have come to meet my fate.

The water runs high, but tis a small base.

Loneliness has brought me to this lone state.

As each petal falls to the desolate floor,

Hope ever fleeting, my faith must endure.

Every fallen petal my fate deplore,

If time can save me, this I can't ensure.

Many walk pass but they turn a blind eye,

As if I, not there, as a child I hide.

Is it that hard to see me, won't they try?

They walked by so in the vase I reside.

If you do walk by me, promise me this,

You will pause to tell me I do exist.

MY MASK (2004)

I hide behind a mask

A mask you may not see

But behind this mask

There I hide the real me

The me you may not like

The me that has been shunned

The part that was insulted

The part that was no fun

Every day I try to chip

Away bits of this mask

But every time you hurt me

I’m forced to put is back

Your insults sting my soul.

Your laughter slowly burns.

But you keep on using me.

I guess I'll never learn.

That I cannot give my heart

To everyone that cares

Because when they are through

It is my heart that will tear

So you may think you’re ready

To take me for who’s inside

But if you were to hurt me

I would be forced to re-hide

My heart can’t take that burden

My soul can’t take that pain

So behind this mask

The real me shall remain.